Anticipation of Discipline

Last night Jess told me that she didn't trust me entirely. We had just come off of a Chicago trip where I carried on in my usual manner of excess. Lack of sleep, too much booze, lust, smoking, maniacal vision on the pursuit of education, and, of course, doing the family thing. When she said it, I knew what she was talking about. I'm out of balance. I got on the scale and was 5.5 pounds heavier than when I had left. Spring Break was not kind to me. It's often not. I'm not good outside of a structure, outside routine. As soon as there is a break, I fall to pieces.

I'm hoping that Celebration of Discipline will be a source convergent with my other just-yesterday commitments to bring about the kind of consistency that can inspire trust. And that is a good hope, but further than that, at this stage in my life, I'm in need of more depth. Who can trust what I say? Who believes it? Do I even believe it? I feel like a do half of what I do to see if I can. Not good.

Lord, I've written before, many times, that it's time to grow up. I pray that something of substance takes place between You and I. Already in the introduction of Foster's book I identify with what he is saying. For those we revere in the faith You were the defining reality of life. But I cannot say the same for myself. I lack depth. My substance is grains of sand passing through the fingers. Help me to be courageous, to set out in faith. Let me walk with You and know that You are walking with me. Let me not take it lightly, but let me take it surely.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.