Scrutinizing Confidence

The flesh whines against service but screams against hidden service.

I'm having a difficult time accepting that I am subordinate to my colleague and once peer, Dr. Robertson. It is not really personal. That is, it's not the man that I have much against, but the situation. In fact, the more I reflect on it, it is rather a personal predicament, but the predicament is me, which is what makes it personal. The reason I am taking this so badly is because I think that it is a reflection on me, and that it speaks that I am not a good enough leader.

As I reflect on my work, I see areas that have not held up well to scrutiny. And then I think myself an abysmal failure. But perhaps the reason that I am stuck is that I am so self scrutinizing. I wonder if others spend as much time in self doubt as I do. Probably not. And the absence of self-doubt may allow folks to exhibit a capacity that i have been lacking for a number of years: confidence!

Lord, I care too much for myself, but in a superficial way. If I deeply cared about confidence then I would do the things that lead to confident behavior, but I rather squirm and fidget when things don't go my way. Help me to see myself rightly, to see the people around me rightly. I am miserable and need to find a way out of this imprisoning mind. Help me to get traction today.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You Are Not Your Own

Image
Kind of a hard pill to swallow... it seems. Until it is swallowed. And then it is the easiest thing in the world. "It is finished" You are not your own. All the desires I have for my life, all that I think I deserve is a myth. It's hard to accept that. But when I do, if I can manage to do it, I will then realize that all I have, all that's been given to me, is from the Lord. He is my keeper. He is my fortress, my protector, my provider. He gives me strength. Reading from "Acts of Submission" in CoD, Foster considers 7 layers of submission, beginning with our submission to God, and finishing with the world. In reading, I say to myself, "wow, I'm indebted to all these?" Simply put, "yes". I am God's man. I must do as He has me to do. Lord, I pray for an end to the struggle. May my "why God" become "yes, God". And may there be joy, light, and love everlasting in You. In Jesus Name, Amen 1 Corinthians...
Read more

Two Things Put Together

Image
I've been thinking a lot recently about being a man. What does it mean? I get glimpses of manfulness, which, to me, is basically synonymous with sacrifice. But I find myself to not be that man. Instead I am much more the man of Wendell Berry's described "divorce" culture. Things are all split. They are run amok. Berry wisely reflects:  “We can’t put  everything  back together. We just take  two things  and put them together.”. Lord Jesus, may I put two things together today, and another, and another. The things that You put in front of me to build up. By Your power, in Your name. In Jesus Name, Amen Matt 5:9, 13-16
Read more

A Whole New Lifestyle

Image
True service is a life-style. It acts from ingrained patterns of living. It springs spontaneously to meet human need. In reading this section on self-righteous service vs true service, I thought, "smug Foster, he probably doesn't really know about true service, just writing about it in the theoretical. How unfair and irresponsible. What a hard and burdensome load he won't lift a finger for" (Matt 23:4). Then I realized that my tinge of disgust might actually be conviction. After which I took notice. This morning sitting down in an over stimulated state (I'm concurrently thinking through how to not feel so pressed for time in the morning and the unwanted side effect of disquiet caused by listening to audio books in the morning) I wondered about if my morning meditations are having any impact. I'm not really giving them a good chance to. Morning meditation is part of the untenable pursuit of arriving to work by 5 if I wake up by 4. It just makes no sense t...
Read more