Scrutinizing Confidence

The flesh whines against service but screams against hidden service.

I'm having a difficult time accepting that I am subordinate to my colleague and once peer, Dr. Robertson. It is not really personal. That is, it's not the man that I have much against, but the situation. In fact, the more I reflect on it, it is rather a personal predicament, but the predicament is me, which is what makes it personal. The reason I am taking this so badly is because I think that it is a reflection on me, and that it speaks that I am not a good enough leader.

As I reflect on my work, I see areas that have not held up well to scrutiny. And then I think myself an abysmal failure. But perhaps the reason that I am stuck is that I am so self scrutinizing. I wonder if others spend as much time in self doubt as I do. Probably not. And the absence of self-doubt may allow folks to exhibit a capacity that i have been lacking for a number of years: confidence!

Lord, I care too much for myself, but in a superficial way. If I deeply cared about confidence then I would do the things that lead to confident behavior, but I rather squirm and fidget when things don't go my way. Help me to see myself rightly, to see the people around me rightly. I am miserable and need to find a way out of this imprisoning mind. Help me to get traction today.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

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