I Saw That

Last night, I was being watched. And what do I have to say for my conduct through the night. I can defend it by saying, "these are my last days of break, give me a break." But the frequency with which I consume large amounts of alcohol is probably too high.

There is a quote which I cut from last year's Passion Planner, a very simple and enlightening one: "I saw that." ~Karma.

In the fire, just at the start, I saw a lady's eyes, and it freaked me out. It began the night in paranoia, nonetheless, I persisted in hanging by the fire, drinking, reading. Who knows when it would have ended, and how, had I not gotten a 1 AM phone call from Jess. I was mad it her for that. In my mind I thought, "can't you just let me be, woman?"

But I'm sure it's for the best. I came in and took a shower and went to bed to read some more Americanah.

Break is over. It's time to work.

Lord Jesus, the chief reason that I think nights of excess are so detrimental is due to the confusion they cause me in the aftermath. Somehow the all night justifying takes a toll on my belief muscle, and chews away at faith. I pray that I make better decisions, but that I don't see my faith and my salvation wrapped up in my decision making. I pray that I see myself as a "lifer" with You. That I will follow through to the end what You started with me in the beginning.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I've Found Jesus

Image
Reflection: I'm reconnecting with the early days of my faith by listening to Delirious? Cutting Edge. It's a huge record that has always sounded like what the music of heaven from the voices of men will sound like. And whenever I listen to that record I'm summoned back to my grandparents house, in my bedroom, also my mom's bedroom in her time, praising my ass off! All the feelings come back of that new sense of redemption and enormous love, when I was bursting at the seams for God. Now I am still bursting at the seams, but it's a little bit more due to middle agedness, and maybe less to do about the fire of God. But I pray that it is shifting.  I was curious about Delirious?'s front man, Martin Smith, because he had such an impact on me. I read an article and what I got from it was sort of what I got from reading the Lecrae book, I Am Restored: there are these two phases of a life. There's an early part that is more power than wisdom, and then a later part t
Read more

I Vow an Ego Crushing Vow

Image
Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less - Ken Blanchard. Jess and I had a conversation last night about assumptions and expectations. I can't remember how the conversation began, but she concluded that we both drive each other crazy and I shared with her my frustration with her assuming that I am incompetent and other things I cannot remember. Alcohol. One thing that we agreed on is that the things that get in the way are tiny little things. They are inconsequential, forgettable. Ego! The ego is at work in us! I did a quick search "how to deal with ego in marriage" and the top hits were articles on how ego destroys marriage, how ego is coming from a place of deficit as an individual, a need to be right. I think that the "wanting to be right" part is more me, while Jess is more "give me what I want". The bottom line is that the central figure is me, myself, and I. Not a good basis for relationship.
Read more

"Follow Me" Crazy Horse Summons Jesus Christ

Listening to an audiobook by Joseph Marshall III, a Native American in story and upbringing. He tells stories of Crazy Horse and his relations that are reminiscent of Jesus. I'd like to share a few of those stories one being about a man who follows the path alone and finds a path of self-discovery found himself in the end but not the beginning. He, in his isolation, was observant about his surroundings; he became the best at knowing the land knowing the ways that you can find shelter. And peace. There came a time when the warriors were away and this man had to be relied on to get the women and the elders to shelter. from that time on he became known as the man who knows the land. There's another story written about Crazy Horse where a man came to him and said I want to join your people your community and Crazy Horse said to him kill your horse and this didn't make sense to the people that he lived with and the community because your horse is your livelihood. What Crazy Ho
Read more