I Vow an Ego Crushing Vow


Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less - Ken Blanchard.

Jess and I had a conversation last night about assumptions and expectations. I can't remember how the conversation began, but she concluded that we both drive each other crazy and I shared with her my frustration with her assuming that I am incompetent and other things I cannot remember. Alcohol. One thing that we agreed on is that the things that get in the way are tiny little things. They are inconsequential, forgettable. Ego! The ego is at work in us!

I did a quick search "how to deal with ego in marriage" and the top hits were articles on how ego destroys marriage, how ego is coming from a place of deficit as an individual, a need to be right. I think that the "wanting to be right" part is more me, while Jess is more "give me what I want". The bottom line is that the central figure is me, myself, and I. Not a good basis for relationship.

It's uncomfortable thinking through my dysfunction. It hurts. To see a looming negativity over many years of my life, to see the developed insecurities, and the ways they make me small is painful. I want to say to my wife, "don't make me feel small, help me be big", but I don't know if I have the guts to say that. I am small after all.

But I don't really believe that. Not 100% anyway. I know that I've got what it takes to make it, but I can't access what I need sometimes. I can't do the thing I want to do. (See Romans 7:15). I have company in that disability.

Last night as I was mulling things over I remembered our Vows. Pastor Steve had this piece in there on the ego, and how it could destroy a marriage by forever keeping the two separate rather than coming together as one. It's such a shame. I would have thought Jess and I would be further along than this, but I have to renew my attention to my part in it. If I'm better as a person, more whole, then our relationship only stands to benefit. Right now, unfortunately, I'm bringing a lot of brokenness to the table.

Lord Jesus, I am broken. I need help and often do not know where to start. I bring defense mechanisms to the people around me, I tear them down so that I can be a litle bigger. It's crazy, Lord, everything I despise, that I wanted never to be, I see it in me. Yes, that's being human, but please help me draw the line at hurting people. Hurting my wife. My thought life needs a wash. My motives need a cleanse. My heart needs renewing. I'm in the City looking at a beautiful building taking on the light. Proud and tall it is standing and as the light creeps up from the east sky, the building becomes more and more brilliant. Teach me to wait, to trust, to stand proud and tall as I take on the light so that I, too may sparkle. I've errantly turned inward to find brilliance inside, but it's dark in there. Help me look out! Look out for You!!

In Jesus Name,

Amen




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