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Last night, I was being watched. And what do I have to say for my conduct through the night. I can defend it by saying, "these are my last days of break, give me a break." But the frequency with which I consume large amounts of alcohol is probably too high. There is a quote which I cut from last year's Passion Planner, a very simple and enlightening one: "I saw that." ~Karma. In the fire, just at the start, I saw a lady's eyes, and it freaked me out. It began the night in paranoia, nonetheless, I persisted in hanging by the fire, drinking, reading. Who knows when it would have ended, and how, had I not gotten a 1 AM phone call from Jess. I was mad it her for that. In my mind I thought, "can't you just let me be, woman?" But I'm sure it's for the best. I came in and took a shower and went to bed to read some more Americanah. Break is over. It's time to work. Lord Jesus, the chief reason that I think nights of excess are so ...

It's not hard, but it ain't easy. How often I get it wrong, but something really touched me out of Dungy's audiobook (mentor leadership); the idea that Jesus and the Father want the best for me. And they want me at my best. I often feel like I'm being scrutinized by everyone, including my Heavenly Family, but I am the one that's beating me down, being overly critical when it's probably not necessary. I read another quote yesterday from Adichie, something to the effect of "we can't decide in our mind what we want to be, we have to just be". All of these things are leading me to the conclusion of just being my God given self. Being ok with making mistakes, but living wisely, learning from them. Being easier with myself. I cannot lead if I am not coming from a place of wellness, Shalom. And I cannot lead if I cannot put others before myself. Lord Jesus, I pray that this year is a year of experiential learning, on the job training. Jess and I h...

I've been thinking a lot recently about being a man. What does it mean? I get glimpses of manfulness, which, to me, is basically synonymous with sacrifice. But I find myself to not be that man. Instead I am much more the man of Wendell Berry's described "divorce" culture. Things are all split. They are run amok. Berry wisely reflects:  “We can’t put  everything  back together. We just take  two things  and put them together.”. Lord Jesus, may I put two things together today, and another, and another. The things that You put in front of me to build up. By Your power, in Your name. In Jesus Name, Amen Matt 5:9, 13-16

Heavy reflection for this morning. Our lives are but a vapor. David is experiencing inner turmoil, deeply, and he pauses amidst the turmoil to reflect on how meaningless it is, that his life is here and quickly gone. His conclusion, hurry up, God, and let's get on with it... I'm not getting any younger! God's timing is not our timing and it can be maddening to wait, but there is no other way. Amidst the madness and inner turmoil arises the question: "do you trust Me?" Lord Jesus, the older I get the closer I am to the end of life here. It's merely logic. What takes more than logic is trusting You with the days gone by and those to come. Help me "restrain my mouth with a muzzle" and open my heart with a Your Word. In Jesus Name, Amen Psalm 39 https://odb.org/2019/07/25/but-a-breath

Enjoyment requires discernment. ~Tish Harrison Warren In a previous section of the chapter, Drinking Tea, Warren discusses God's child-likeness, that with each rising moon, or sun, or each tulip, God says, as a child would, "do it again!". I can attest to this insatiable appetite for repetition, in the same way, from my daughter. We read the same books at night time (in the same way), go through the same routines--of brushing teeth, and bath, and putting toys away, and how to play with toys, and nap time with baba and paci. And she loves it! Her world on repeat is a knowable world, a world that she can explore the nuance of. In the section I just read, Warren admonishes against the perils of greed, the persistent cry of "Encore!" I wondered, how does "do it again!" differ from "Encore!". In one sense, they can be seen as the same, when Encore is a request to "do it again", when it is for the sake of the experience, the object ...

In the Christian faith it's almost a philosophical principle that the universal is known through the particular and the abstract through the concrete. We work out our faith with these other broken men and women around us in the pews. It's lackluster. I had never been a church member, officially, until the church I currently attend, Christ City. I have always been a drifter, living, as I thought it, beyond commitment. I didn't need to be at one church, I could be at any of them. An overseer kind of saint, in my mind. Except that, taking a closer look, I never came from any of them (except the first), and I never really served any of them. I was able to persist in this frame of mind, a floater, because I considered the Universal Church. The super organism was what I was a part of, not the trappings of any one flawed congregation, but trappings and the illustriousness of the flawed and fantastic whole. But that perspective is flawed. I am not a part of the whole with...

Finis  We have come to the end of this study, but only to the beginning of our journey. We have seen how meditation heightens our spiritual sensitivity which, in turn, leads us into prayer . Very soon we discover that prayer involves fasting as an accompanying means. Informed by these three Disciplines, we can effectively move into study which gives us discernment about ourselves and the world in which we live. Through simplicity we live with others in integrity. Solitude allows us to be genuinely present to people when we are with them. Through submission we live with others without manipulation, and through service we are a blessing to them. Confession frees us from ourselves and releases us to worship . Worship opens the door to guidance . All the Disciplines freely exercised bring forth the doxology of celebration . The classical Disciplines of the spiritual life beckon us to the Himalayas of the Spirit. Now we stand at timber line awed by the snowy peaks be...

“man’s celebrative and imaginative faculties have atrophied.” In another place, “There was a time when visionaries were canonized, and mystics were admired. Now they are studied, smiled at, perhaps even committed. All in all, fantasy is viewed with distrust in our time.” ~Harvey Cox This morning Brooks sent me a screenshot of a Back to the Future commercial we did together at East for SCS registration. It was fun. We took a minute to reminisce the fun we had then, the celebratory and anticipatory mood. I look at how things have evolved. There is a ton to be thankful for, all the relationships, and the good that has happened for students and adults, but for so much of it, I was not there in enjoyment. I was there in "the work". How many more smiles should I have given, how much more encouragement for levity, rather than burden as weight should I have given people? Out of nowhere, I get a text from Ellen Eagen regarding her school OnTech in Syracuse. She's looking ...

Far and away the most important benefit of celebration is that it saves us from taking ourselves too seriously. ~Foster Had a spat with the wife last night. Actually, we didn't spat. I just dismissed myself from the situation, not wanting to go through the usual unsatisfying dialogue, where I speak and she doesn't hear me. So I withdrew. It may have actually been the best thing I could have done. In the heat of the moment, how good are we at coming up with useful points, and how good are our "combatants" at receiving them? This morning I read on the "Benefits of Celebration". Foster states, "Far and away the most important benefit of celebration is that it saves us from taking ourselves too seriously." Cheers to that! I get into these funks with my wife, where I think she doesn't hear me, she won't hear me. But on balance with how my life is going, how serious should I take these everyday instances of mutual frustration? Can I leav...

We will never have a carefree indifference to things until we trust God. ~Foster As I come to a close on CoD, the last word is "trust God". It seems like a cop out, like something that will not be respected by today's man or woman, given the high level of basis that everyone wants their decisions to lay atop. But the question is, what kind of basis do we seek? Scientific basis, researched basis, substantiated basis? These all certainly have merit in the material world, but what basis do they have in the realm of the unknown, of the not yet seen, or the unseeable? Yet there is a profound "basis" for Christianity. Not the least of which is the "cloud of witnesses" but there is more. There is what God has done for me in my own life, there is scripture, and there is longing. There is something deep inside that wants to connect to something deeper. And it is in that deepening that we find the Deep One. Who also really knows how to keep things light....

Have to be brief today. I guess this is a time with meeting up with people, and so I want to take away from that as much as I can. Between yesterday and today morning, met up with 2 bros, Tim and Drew, to talk life. What's come up is... a lot of stuff. But what's sticking out is a piece from Tish Harrison Warren (Liturgy of the Ordinary) from her chapter on waiting in traffic and a TS Eliot quote that I come back to frequently. Warren writes about a painter friend, Jan, who went through a lot of pain due to cancer and waiting. She says about it, "I always felt like I was waiting for the gift. But I've come to see that the waiting is the gift." I shared that with Tim and I don't think it went over very well. How can he see a gift in his situation with his wife Jordan?  https://thewell.intervarsity.org/blog/waiting-ache-and-gift-between With Drew we talked a lot about "Christianity 101". The idea that we're at bedrock when we living basic. Ch...

In the spiritual life only one thing will produce genuine joy, and that is obedience. ~ Foster So funny to read that as the first line of CoD this morning. I basically had it exactly backwards. Yesterday I posted about laughter putting us in a celebratory mood, and thus thought there might be something to working from the outside in (celebration->joy->obedience). I still think there is something to working from the outside in, but I have to admit that the results found through that path are fleeting. Foster explains that the firm path to joy in the Lord is flows inward from inner obedience to joy, which then puts us in a spirit of celebration. That sounds more right to me. This morning I was also appreciating the harmony between CoD and Liturgy of the Ordinary. What I read in study in the morning I receive again in a life's memoir about the everydayness of how God's sanctification works out. What does the word mean to me today? Obedience. I think (and pray) it m...

"Celebration brings joy into life." ~Foster I was bummed last night. When I asked my wife if she loved me she said, "of course I love you", and left it at that. I was looking for more affirmation, evidence of love. But she has been telling me that when she says something she means it, so maybe I have to learn to rest a bit more than seeking aforementioned affirmation. But it's one of my love languages! I was bummed. I've also been trying to analyze what gets me to feeling this way. I think it's differences in expectations and approach. If Jess and I to sit down and talk calendaring our week to get stuff done (business) and I'm expecting us to connect and look into each others' eyes, while she's just expecting to get clarity on what is happening throughout the week, there are going to be some unmet expectations. The process will take too long for her and it will be too disconnected for me. I go on feeling this way, and last night I fart!...

"Modern man has been pressed "so hard toward useful work and rational calculation he has all but forgotten the joy of ecstatic celebration" - Harvey Cox (CoD). Entering the last chapter of CoD I am left to think about celebration, JOY! Reading the above quote resonates all too well for me, thinking to just last night as I lay down anxious thinking that "I'm missing something", "I'm not doing it right". What you're supposed to be accomplishing at midnight on vacation I have no idea, but I wasn't accomplishing it, and it caused me anxiety. Jesus was all about joy. He lived that way, the Man of Sorrows though He was. Somehow Jesus was able to look to the "joy set before Him", to carry His burden lightly. Foster notes that the announcement of Jesus' entrance into the world was a pronouncement of joy ("Good news of great joy!"), and near the end of His ministry on earth Jesus summarizes His commandment: Love on...

Plain listening is the thing. The past couple of days I have been thinking about the kind of man that I am, how I sort of dabble in things that are not good for me, dabble in sin. I said to Shiv the other night that I want to have the freedom to make a bad choice. And, so, while in NYC I've done too much drinking, too much cussing, and too much gawking over females. I try to limit beers, to monitor my speech and to avert my eyes, but I give in at times. Two thoughts come to mind from this, one in regard to my life as a Christian and the other a statement from Martin Luther to an uptight Christian. Thinking about leadership, I've been telling people all week that I'm not ready to be a principal, not ready to handle the responsibility of being on all of the time, of handling everyone's problems with proper care. But maybe it's like having children; you're never really ready, you just step into it when called upon to. By extension, I think of my life of faith...

Yesterday, Stranger Things 3 came out. Jess and the Tulley's watched 2 episodes and went to bed. But, true to form, I stayed up and watched another three episodes. Not a good choice. It was an indulgent choice, a selfish choice, one that I thought I could get away with and that it would be no big deal. But it was a big deal. It caused Jess to stay up because she was worried about when I would come to bed, and then there was definite loss of sleep once Sadie started coughing. At which point, clearly, I should have come to bed, but I finished the last 7 minutes of the 3rd extra episode I was watching. In the morning, Jess sent me a text about sleeping in and taking an Uber to the train stating, rather than hitching on an 8 am ride with the Tulley's. I, of course, wanted to keep our schedule, but for the sake of our marriage... This morning I looked up what scripture verses on being flexibile. We had a plan. Things changed. But I also needed to look up scriptures doing things ...

Maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace Eph 4:3 I was considering our conversation from last night, where it had gone. The Tulley's, the Block's, Jess and I were discussing drug addicts. It brought me back to all of the dysfunctional people from the Church that I remember hearing about or experiencing once upon a time. My dad, Pastor Hollohan, Jordan; people who revealed a real instability, but went off the deep end when they walked away from the Church. When you remember these instances of wildness, you can't help but think, what does Jesus think about this? Who was really following Him, what was real and what imagined? Is any of this real? It's very important for believers to maintain their connection to each other, and to be submissive to each other. Believers start unhinged and have a tendency to go back to dark places if they don't stick together in the bond of love. Lord Jesus, I don't have a lot to say this morning, more to consider....

Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less - Ken Blanchard. Jess and I had a conversation last night about assumptions and expectations. I can't remember how the conversation began, but she concluded that we both drive each other crazy and I shared with her my frustration with her assuming that I am incompetent and other things I cannot remember. Alcohol. One thing that we agreed on is that the things that get in the way are tiny little things. They are inconsequential, forgettable. Ego! The ego is at work in us! I did a quick search "how to deal with ego in marriage" and the top hits were articles on how ego destroys marriage, how ego is coming from a place of deficit as an individual, a need to be right. I think that the "wanting to be right" part is more me, while Jess is more "give me what I want". The bottom line is that the central figure is me, myself, and I. Not a good basis for relationship. ...

"Don't accept a meal from a tightwad" Prov 23:6 Woke up this morning in a brooding funk. I picked up a book, Fathers and Sons, from the hotel and the always optimistic thought life of the authors (husband, wife, and son) had me walk away a little jealous and a little reflective regarding privelege. But I am enjoying the book. The family is not without their challenges. Ben had polio, which ruined him to sublime physicality (he was an athlete), he was on his third marriage with Sally, and their son, Quinn, was born with a heart defect, the cause and effect of which left him learning disabled. Ben writes the most and he has a no-nonsense way of thinking. You just get on with it, whatever it is that needs getting on with. I like that. I can be so overly critical of everything, getting on becomes such a barricaded road you just want to stay put until things are clear. Which they never are. Reminded me this morning of the admonition of Rohr: "Don't take your tem...

It's funny I had gone into this morning's time with the Lord excited about the section on guidance, thinking it just what I needed, personal guidance. I woke hearing Michael Card's "come to this wedding" song regarding Jesus' first miracle, turning the water into wine. I did not realize that both of those details, the section on guidance from CoD and the song, were speaking to each other. The guidance Foster discussed was intentionally not individual guidance, but the kind of guidance that occurred for the early church Christians, corporate guidance of the Spirit. Much can be said on this topic, but he used as a fulcrum "when two or more are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst" as both declaration of "assurance and authority". "There was assurance that when peoople genuinely gathered in His name, His will could be discerned". And what of the water to wine miracle? What an odd miracle. With so much terrible going on in...

Loved from CoD today that holy obedience keeps worship from becoming an opiate. Rather than being an escape from reality, worship draws us to make real and lasting change in reality. I got further clarity on the kinds of changes I need to be making right now: letting go of resentment. Forgiving! This message is being doubled for me in my reading of Liturgy of the Ordinary; my most recent reading was from the chapter on "Fighting with My Husband". In the Anglican church, the passing of the peace happens after the taking of the Sacrement, after recalling Jesus' forgiveness of our sins. How do you hold a resentment when you have the love of God in the forgiveness of Jesus staring you in the face? It's happened, and Jesus has parabled about it, but I don't want to be the kind of guy that Jesus would have to talk about that way. I feel a new call to live in alignment to the things I believe, but know that I am not able to do what I'm called to do in the flesh. ...